If Not Me, What Customers Are You Servicing?


Dear Cisco Customer Service,

You have no reason to be angry at me god damn it.

Yes, I got drunk and called your automated comments and concerns line. First of all, what else is new? I get drunk all the fucking time. I’m drunk right now, and its not even 2:30 in the afternoon. Secondly, it is your product that got me drunk in the first place. You think I wanted to get drunk on luscious, fruitfully delicious Cisco brand Strawberry bum wine? OF COURSE I DID! Who asked you to print the customer service number on the label?!

So I called you and said I was a man named Wendell who’d drank four bottles of Cisco while listening to Chuck Berry and not giving a damn. SO WHAT?! Did I not thoroughly express the fact that I find your product delectable? Did I not say “I’d gladly surrender a kidney to a black market organ trader for a lifetime supply of Cisco”? I believe I did, yet instead of coming back with a legitimate offer for one of my fully-functional kidneys, you ask me to cease further calls to your service center.

Hey FUCK YOU Cisco customer service! If I want to indulge in your strawberry, peach, or even perhaps your passion fruit liquor, and then invite you to party with a man named Wendell, I am going to do just that! And if that man is also (coincidentally) a heavy drinker, what’re you gunna do about it? Ask me to cease further calls to your service center? Hm…

Why do you even have a customer service number? Do people need operating instructions for the twist-off cap? Do people go into such severe coma’s drinking this crazy shit that they grab the phone and dial you up to chat? They can’t chat, Cisco customer service: they’re in fucking comas! I feel betrayed and, at the very least, completely not-serviced.

In short, you can stop me from making the call, but you can NEVER stop me from making the purchase. The purchase of sweet, mouth-watering Cisco-brand Cisco’s Strawberry Cisco. Or Peach. Seriously, I love your product, and pushing me away is only making me want you that much more. I have to go now, the librarian heard me yelling.

Still Drunk from this Morning,

Wendell St. Thinker,
Homeless and Lovin’ It!


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