I really hate being awake at 5:30 in the a.m. When I’ve got work at 8:30. I hate my (very temporary) job, I hate that I’ll be unemployed in a month, and at this very moment, I hate that the only thing on TV is Roseanne.

I really hate Roseanne. Like, the woman, yeah I definitely hate her. I think that when I stand before the devil at the gates of hell, her voice will sound a lot like Roseanne’s. But I hate the show a lot more than the woman for a number of reasons. One is the misuse of John Goodman; sure I can’t separate him from Walter Sobchak, but I suppose that’s sort of the point. Another is the fact that I really don’t find the show particularly entertaining. It’s a lot like Home Improvement, but less humorous (I mean, at least those writers had Al Borlan to work with…and Wilson, I’ve always really loved Wilson).

But the thing I hate the most about Roseanne (again the show, not the woman) is the bleakness of the American landscape it displays. The basis of the comedy is founded on the sadness of humanity. And though this is not exclusive to Roseanne, I take serious issue with marriage-related humor. The sad depravity and complete lack of happiness that is a sitcom marriage, only held together by the floss-thin strings of moralistic “oh, you make me miserable, but I still love you.” If the jokes are written in, and the commercial breaks are scheduled, and marriage is STILL that unbearable, what chance do the normal, unfunny, regular people have? There is no resolution at the top of the hour.

And with that brand of humor that revolves around everyday life, we’ve got the kids. Oh the kids. God, all sitcom parents hate their kids. And all sitcom kids are fucking terrible human beings. And much like their marriages, when the credits roll, everything is chocked up to “as much as I hate/don’t understand/wish I never had you, you’re my kid and I still love you.” Is this the foundation of functionality? Is this the reality we want to mirror to the society that consumes this bullshit? The fact that these sitcoms are supposed to be about average people is fucking crazy.

If I’ve learned anything this morning, at 5:56 (with an alarm that will be sounding in exactly 4 minutes), it’s that Roseanne is exactly, 100%, to the letter, everything I do not want my life to become. I don’t want to hate my spouse. I don’t want to hate my children. I will not give in to this insanely morose construct that is the average American life.

I apologize to all 3 readers of this blog; I know this one isn’t all that funny. As I’m pretty sure I know them all personally, I’ll send them an email or something. Anyway, the point is: don’t give up the fight for happiness. If I repeat that phrase, perhaps I’ll commit to it.

And fuck Roseanne, and her show.


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