Archive for the ‘Introduction’ Category

Sex!!!

February 18, 2008

That got your attention. Sex.

Sex sells. The very word draws you in. Ad Executives the world over realise its power within their effective marketing campaigns, whether they are selling cartons of milk, beans, expensive cars or luscious, fruitfully delicious Cisco brand Strawberry wine.

Take cartons of milk (no really…we’ll only have to throw them away in a few days if you don’t). Unless poured slowly over the pert breasts and firm body of nubile sex goddesses, milk is a fairly unsexy commodity. So how do the Ad Executives get you to purchase. Through the careful placement of the smiling face of Wendy (aged 17, missing from Delaware since May 21st).

Her pretty face staring out at you, the contours of her body beneath that highschool sweater, the beads of moisture slowly dripping down the outside of the carton.

You want to buy milk. You want it so bad.

Here at Forklifts Unlimited, we’re here to help you. Through our ten step programme we can wein you off your addition to sex. It is not a claim we make lightly. Let us help you, you deserve it.

Seamus C. Mhaille
Ad Executive, Forklifts Unlimited

In Addition: My Introduction

February 9, 2008

I’d like to add to my friend Thinker’s post by saying that our goal at Forklifts unlimited, as he so humorously stated, is in fact to make you, the reader, laugh. Read that man’s writings, as 99% of the time, the outcome will be the violent laughtergasm he so described in his introduction.

But alas, we here at FU (or FUn for the more family oriented of our readers) take part in this for much more reason than simply your entertainment. No, our latent motives behind this site are much more disturbing than that, and there is absolutely nothing metaphorical about them. The truth is, us FUnseekers at Forklifts Unlimited don’t just post a blog and then leave you to your own interpretations and reactions. We stick around for a while. In fact, we sit at our blog stats page for a while, and repeatedly click the refresh button, much as you lonely souls may click the Myspace.com refresh button, in anticipation that someone has read our post since the last time we checked.

The truth is, we get off to it. It makes us feel good, sexually and otherwise, to know that people we’ve never met and likely never will meet are reading our daily spew of self-satisfying comedy. The more amused you become, the more aroused I become. As such, on days when Thinker posts, I become thoroughly aroused by your immense amusement. Combined with the initial laughtergasm I have in reaction to his metaphorically sexual post, you can imagine how pleasant and disgustingly sexual those days can be for me. I try not to leave the house on those days.

What I’m trying to say here is, that no matter what you do, laugh. It means something to me. So much so that on days when you don’t laugh, I don’t laugh. I can’t laugh. I fall into a pit of despair, unprecedented within the frame of reference that your every day life provides for you. I become a lifeless shell of a man, devoid of all stimulations, all sensation, and sympathy, all will to exist. My heart blackens and hardens, until it closely resembles a chunk of obsidian rock, without the shiny. I try not to leave the house on those days either.

In retrospect, I don’t leave the house very often.

Enjoy Forklifts Unlimited (like you have a choice),

Rod Jenson
Forklifts Unlimited Official Stagnator and Co-founder

Welcome to Another Rendition of Thunderdome!

February 5, 2008

Welcome, welcome, welcome.

Welcome to what all the fuss is about. Welcome to the talk of the town. A warm welcome especially to the cool kids (but definitely not you, fatty). Welcome to the Forklifts Unlimited blog. I don’t know what “blog” means, but my friends assure me that it’s a great way to get laid.

Our aim here at FU is mainly to entertain, but we also realize that entertainment isn’t what you’re after. You’re on the internet. You want sex. Steamy, graphic, socially deplorable SEX. Hell sailor, SO DO WE! So, interspliced with the so-called “entertainment” of the blog, we promise lots and lots kinky, frankly disgusting acts of a blatantly sexual nature.

But WAIT, modern forward-thinking human! You’re smart! You keep up with world events! You got high and discovered the true message of Dark Side of the Moon! You like subtext, subtlety, and deeper meanings that dwell beyond the surface. We know, we got high too! Thus, the filthy, eye-popping sex we promise will be 100% metaphorical. This allows each reader to find fulfillment in any sentence they should so choose. I found it in this sentence I’m currently typing, and blew like Old Faithful (ironically while typing the words “Old Faithful”). The ecstasy was incalculable. I have high hopes for this blog.

Basically folks, we want you to laugh. And cream your shorts. Do both regularly, and with great fervor. Do both while reading this blog (especially my posts, which will undoubtedly cause you to do so involuntarily). Do both with growing confidence, and growing strength in the air. Do both in the beaches, and on the landing grounds. Do both because god damn it, Winston Churchill commands it to be, and that motherfucker hated Nazis like no other human being possibly could. You don’t like Nazis…do you? JIZZ YOURSELF YOU COMMIE BASTARD! (No homo.)

Enjoy Forklifts Unlimited. Seriously, do it or I’ll fucking find you. I’ve had a hard couple of months. I need this.

All Due Love and Even Less Respect,

Thinker St. James
Forklifts Unlimited CEO and Co-founder