Posts Tagged ‘Awesome’

This! Is! Alaska!

July 8, 2008

Fishing for crabs in the Bering Sea, under the craziest conditions possible by nature. Are you fucking kidding me? This Deadliest Catch show clearly exhibits the indomitable norseman in the hearts of all Alaskans. And its even got Bon Jovi’s “Dead or Alive” as its theme song; how clever is that!

I appreciate the shows display of honest heroism. The call of the wild beckons, but these days, who answers? These crazy bearded decedents of Thor, that’s who. While the other 49 states wait in line for Taco Bell, these warriors endure nearly freezing to death for 13 hours a day. While getting pelted with ice cold seawater. And nearly falling overboard every five minutes with the rough waves pushing their ship towards capsizing. These guys should have iron helmets and shields with dragons on them.

How many people do you know in your life that could possibly be an Alaskan King Crab fisherman? I myself only know a select handful of people who could rise to the epic call of the Flokennhorne (which may or may not be an actual instrument used to signify bravery). I don’t even believe that I, the most grandiose, most promixa centauri of all living humanity could answer the awe-inspiring Flokennhorne summons (as I believe DWC [Drinking While Crabfishing] is a misdemeanor in waters governed by Alaska). Think about that next time you’re snuggling up with your douchenozzle boyfriend Johnny after a rollicking six minutes of boisterously unpleasant sexual intercourse, sister. Would Johnny be scraping ice off his ballsack in the middle of the perfect storm, laughing in death’s face like a swashbuckling maverick with nothing to lose?! The answer is no, Claire. That’s also the answer to “is he special?”, “should a give my heart to this man?”, and “if we decided to get married, do you think he’d stop selling ecstasy?”

As Thinker St. James, a man who thinks more highly of himself than he does of most major world leaders, I tip my feathered bowler cap to the men, men and younger men of the USS Kickass: The Alaskan King Crab fishermen.

Alaska. I wonder what it’s like in Alaska. All I know of Alaska is The Iditarod (tracked that bitch in 5th grade; big ups to Ms. Johnson’s class). Oh, and hockey. And those crazy remote research facilities that serve some sort of geological purpose. It’d be nice to be in one of those little bases, but have it be a totally sweet pad with a fireplace and a polar bearskin rug. You’d have to have a hot research assistant though; the Alaskan tundra is a hard place to pick up chicks, I’ve heard.

Alaska also has periods of time where it is complete darkness for months at a time (something I learned from Steve Niles). I wonder if there are seasonal nightclubs that are open 24-hours during those times. People could be dancing to disco music at four o’clock in the afternoon! Isn’t that a world we’ve all dreamed about?

Mystery, Alaska: that’s like a movie, right?

And I’ve also heard that there is a lot of marijuana in Alaska, yet they still voted against the framework of legalization. Being a stoner in Alaska must be terrible: leaving a lighter in your car results in a 10-layer suit of freeze-resistant clothing. And no pot dealer is taking out the snowmobile at two in morning to go deliver an eighth of kush to you across a twelve-mile frozen lake. Though they are neighbors with those crazy Canadians and their scientifically modified hyperweed, so who knows! That’s Alaska for ya, baby.

I’d like to end this post by saying Alaska. Fuck Yeah. Today!

The Best…Around

February 27, 2008

This article is about the most badass individual to ever grace existence with his overwhelming awesomeness. He first existed and was popularized in an era that had no internet. No Myspace, or text messages, before internet memes, and before internet humor blogs. He rose to prominence in the mid 1990’s, and as the internet became available, became even more popularized, despite his lack of ass-kicking endeavors at the time. Nowadays, he’s making a comeback, and I couldn’t be any happier for him. The man is well known for kicking ass on a regular basis, for being a babe magnet, for the ability to take any enemy and turn him into a crying little baby sissy boy, by his mere presence alone. I am of course talking about, Duke Nukem.

That’s right. Duke motherfucking Nukem. If you read the above description and thought “Chuck Norris LOL,” I will call upon Duke to freeze you with his freezethrower (that’s right, Duke is so badass, he launches solidified water from the barrel of a gun that closely resembles a miniature version of a John Deere tractor. Who needs a fucking flamethrower when you’ve got a god damn John Deere Ice Tractor?), and kick you while you’re frozen (and not with just any foot, but his patented “mighty foot”), somehow breaking you into several mere shards of what was formerly your existence. That’s right, fuck the laws of physics, and fuck your internal organs, bodily fluids, and physiology as a whole. You are frozen, and now you are shattered. Live with it. Or more accurately, die with it. Or….be dead….with it.

What makes Duke Nukem so badass? Well, other than the above paragraph, he’s a video game character. Now why should that lend any merit to his awesomeness, if not take away from it? It’s because despite being a video game character, he could still kick Chuck Norris’s ass, and without the use of any of this wimpy martial arts, “mind over body” bullshit. Duke Nukem kills with pure testosterone, and guns the size of a Harley Davidson motorcycle. Duke Nukem also actually kills. Chuck Norris doesn’t kill. He lets the bad guy live. He rarely even shoots the bad guy. Chuck Norris nails some pressure points and puts you in a cell. Well you know what? Duke Nukem uses bullets, traveling at a velocity that breaks the speed of light, throwing the perimeter of the area around you into a multi-dimensional chasm, completely disassembling the particles of your very being. As quickly as that would happen, the chasm is closed, and if you haven’t already died from a collapsed lung, or your brain exploding or something, that speed-of-light bullet is coming right at your head. Yeah. Try escaping the exploding brain now. You won’t. It’s gonna happen. That’s right, one way or another, Duke Nukem will make your brain explode.

Duke Nukem is so awesome, that, in addition to his frozen tractor contraption, he carries not one, not two, not even three, but FOUR explosive devices with him at all times. An RPG, a “Devastator” (two rocket launchers coming out of nowhere, that he can apparently carry in his back pocket or something), some trip-bomb laser deals, and some pipe bombs. As I’ve stated before. One way or another, Duke Nukem is going to splatter your god damn brains all over the fucking walls. You can count on it. Hell, if he doesn’t have a weapon on him at the time, what does he do? Kicks the shit out of you (in the cases of those raptor/dog hybrid fuckers, he literally kicks the shit out of you), until you give up your god damn gun. After he’s finished raping your ass with his size 20 steel-toed boot, he cocks the shotgun he just stole from you, and utters an absolutely badass phrase, such as “I use bigger guys than you as toothpicks…and I’m not in the mood to floss my teeth.” See? The previous sentence is inferring that you are so wimpy, that you’re only useful as dental floss to him. But he doesn’t want to floss his teeth. So you’re going to be thrown into the garbage can of life that is the receiving end of a Duke Nukem bullet. Sweet dreams, Rip van Winkle.

But you know what the most badass thing about Duke Nukem is? I’ll tell you. It’s that he doesn’t endorse Mike Huckabee. Because he’s a fucking video game character.

Long Live Duke Nukem (and his frosty freeze tractor beam) ,

Rod Jenson
Duke for President