Posts Tagged ‘Fantasy’

Unicorns aren’t real.

May 29, 2008

So I’m talking with a friend of mine about the usual array of subjects: kidney beans, Venetian blinds, flamenco dancing. Randomly we began talking about unicorns (which, if you didn’t know, apparently don’t exist). This friend adamantly proclaimed that unicorns, like the Loch Ness Monster and Sasquatch, are completely real and scientifically documented.

After scouring dozens of journals and library databases, and contacting Dr. Heinrich von Deitts (Austria’s leading Zoologist), I concluded that my friend was probably just really stoned and most likely didn’t even realize he was speaking when he asserted that unicorns exist. I tried my best to forget the conversation (and subsequently wasted hours of pointless research) altogether. However, while playing a spirited round of polo last week, I once again began to contemplate the nature of unicorns.

It was then that I realized that unicorns really don’t exist. I mean, I was already pretty sure due to my long conversation with Dr. von Deitts, but it was during the polo match that I became fully convinced. And my main reason for this assertion is this: you cannot put a horn on an animal and then claim that it’s a totally new creature.

Look, I don’t particularly like horses. I used to fucking hate them, but now I work with a few and have learned to appreciate a number of their character traits. I can tolerate horses and at the very least, I wish them no ill will. So when a perfectly normal horse is completely devalued by some douchebag implanting a horn on it’s forehead and calling him by some made-up name, I take a certain level of offense.

Why is the horse the only lucky animal to get a horn slapped on its face, thus magically transforming it into something it’s not? I want a unicat, or a badgercorn! How about a mongoosicorn? Or a unipelican? The horse should be used for respectable purposes like the circus and field warfare; this horrid exploitation for the purpose of selling stickers and school binders has got to stop!

Speaking of horse exploitation, anyone remember Horace, the horse from the old Disney black and white shorts that mysteriously disappeared around the early 70’s? While Mickey Mouse had Minnie Mouse and Donald Duck had Daisy Duck, Horace the Horse had Clarabelle the Cow. What the fuck?

Some things are strange. Some things are weird. Some things don’t exist. Unicorns are one of those things.

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