Posts Tagged ‘Myspace’

Fat Pimp

June 7, 2008

Seriously? Fat Pimp? Seriously. Are you fucking serious? You cannot possibly be serious, and yet you stand there, looking innocently and confused into my eyes, assuring me that you certainly, without a doubt, are serious. Hold on a second and let me make sure. I have to be completely positive that you are completely positive. Answer me one more time: Are. You. Motherfucking. Serious?… I was afraid of that.

One year ago, if I had signed on to Myspace and seen the name Fat Pimp as the featured musical artist, I can’t say I would have been particularly surprised. I would, however, have dismissed it as a tasteless, yet slightly amusing joke. Think about it. What immediately comes to your mind when you’re stereotyping the races and religions of the world? Blacks walk slow with saggy pants and talk gangsta talk. Whites say “dude” more on its own than all other words of the English language combined. Mexicans riding bikes are most certainly not riding a bike that they legally own. Jews scour the ground meticulously all day in search of loose change. And hip hop artists are called one of a few choice generic names: “Lil’ Gangsta,” “Outta Dis Wurld,” or “Fat Pimp.”

Now, I’d immediately like to point out that there is one possibly valid reason why Fat Pimp may have gotten his name. The only possible reason I would have allowed for Fat Pimp to exist under the moniker he currently possesses is if he was indeed a Fat Pimp. The image should be clear enough in your head, but for your convenience, I’ve drawn up a composite sketch of exactly what this type of person should look like:

Notice the big tits and purple suit, and the fact that he’s playfully sticking his tongue out.

If Fat Pimp the rapper was in fact a large (preferably 360 pounds or more) black man who literally dealt business with hookers, and had a badass “yeah, I’m a criminal and a rapper, but I’m also a human fucking being” kind of full-mouthed toothy smile, then I would totally be into him. The problem is that Fat Pimp absolutely does not live up to his name:

Notice the LIFE money, indie kid t-shirt, slut glasses, lack of obesity, and the fact that he is the living embodiment of a sack of douche.

Fuck man, my shitty MS Paint drawing looks more genuine than this guy. When a half-assed mash-up of shitty MS Paint and a 100 KB image of an obese black guy in an alley that I found on google look more believable than your sorry ass publicity photo, it is time to retire from whatever business it is you claim to conduct in your life; of which Fat Pimp most certainly does not actually conduct, being that his songs take about 50 seconds to write, since they are based solely on the generic industry standard for a hit hip hop single. Fat Pimp does not conduct actual pimp business. But he also does not conduct actual musician business. He conducts “get high as fuck legally, and stand in front of a camera making stupid poses for millions of dollars” business.

Not to knock Pimpo for that, being that I’m sure any human being would be utterly satisfied with living that way. At least until they realized that they were perfectly useless to society, and had been aiding in the progressive dumbing down of humanity all this time. Even worse, they’d soon realize that they weren’t actually a Fat Pimp. One day Fat Pimp (whose real name I’m going to assume is Charles Xavier Edwards III, or something similar) is going to be sitting in his home, drinking some nice herbal tea and watching ESPNews, when it hits him. “What the hell,” he’ll say. “I’m…I’m not really a Fat Pimp.” In his final moments he will have lost all sense of self and soul, knowing perfectly well that he is not a Fat Pimp. The news outlets will not be surprised that he died, because coming to the sudden realization that you are definitely not an awesome, obese prostitute dealer is enough to shock anyone into suicidal thoughts. At least Fat Pimp will be good enough to pull the trigger.

Oh wait. He probably doesn’t actually own a gun or know how to use one. Well. He’ll be good enough to drink a gallon of pure heroin then. And who wouldn’t want to die that way? I’m sure even the real Fat Pimp would be envious.

Rod Jenson; Registered Gynocologist

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Computer Love

March 24, 2008

God, love can sweep away a young heart with the greatest of ease. So today, while not doing anything at work, I found a friend request in my Myspace inbox. “Oh joy!” I thought to myself, “perhaps another human being is actually interested in David Bowie and Roger Corman movies!” Eagerly I clicked away, anxious to greet my new friend. As I entered the friends request section, I saw a rather attractive female’s picture. “Ohhh, I know what’s going on here. Another hot Austrian girl wants to fuck me” I sighed. Lo and behold, I was right. A hot Austrian girl with semi-nude pictures and 1000+ friends. Like always, I went for the “DENY!” button, but at that very moment, a strange notion came over me: give this hot Austrian girl a chance Thinker! Why are you constantly denying hot Austrian girls your massive American penis?! I complied. This is what transpired (annotated in red):

THINKER: are you a robot or something? (This is generally how I test my women out. If they say they aren’t robots, I’ll probably sleep with them. If they say they are robots, I’ll DEFINITELY sleep with them.)

[Jamie deluxe]aka[Schneeflittchen]: are you an idiot or sth? (I knew what an idiot was, but I was perplexed by “sth.” Perhaps she was asking me if I was a sith lord? At this point I knew I was in love.)

THINKER: haHA! well i am definitely an idiot, but sth.. according to the internet, that could mean any of these things (the ones with * are things that i might be):

STH Save the Homeland (gaming, Harvest Moon series)
STH Schwab, Twitty Hanser Architectural Group, Inc
*STH Season Ticket Holder STH
Sequential Trunk Hunt (call assignment scheme)
STH Shadow the Hedgehog (game)
STH Sheffield Teaching Hospitals
STH Sheraton Towers Hotel
***STH So Totally Hot
STH Somatotropic Hormone (growth hormone)
STH Something (IRC/SMS)
*StH Sonic the Hedgehog
STH Speed Touch Home (Alcatel DSL)
*STH Stairway To Heaven (song and TV show)
STH Steeper Than Hell (ski run at Snowbird, Utah)
*STH Stockholm STH Store Halfword (IBM)
STH String Handle
STH Structural-Thermal Subsystem
*STh Student in Theology
*STH System Test Hardware (I would have also accepted Speed Touch Home, which sounds like something I might enjoy.)

[Jamie deluxe]aka[Schneeflittchen]: uhm… ok i..m sorry i..m very angry cause a fucking idiot hacked my password and added many people , who i don..t know ok?
and i don..t know what he wrote, i looked at my profile and it wasn..t mine but it was my account and i don..t understand it please can you tell me what he/she wrote?
it would be very nice and i..m sorry for my behaviour
(Oh no! Someone hacked my girlfriend’s Myspace account! What a fuckhole!)


THINKER: i’m sorry your account got hacked; i thought you were just one of the hundreds of austrian women who fall in love with me regularly via myspace. i’ll understand if that isn’t the case. (Could I possibly be setting myself up for heartbreak?)

[Jamie deluxe]aka[Schneeflittchen]: thank you very much my account got hacked? biiiiaaatch… shit^^

what shell i do now?

i chnaged the password…??

fuck… do you know what he wrote? (Who is this mysterious Myspace-hacking asshole!? Better turn up the heat a bit, to calm her down and make her moist via the Babelfish translator.)

THINKER: i know! isn’t this completely insane? to think, an account getting hacked on myspace!!he told me that you love me, and that you want to come to america and be my wife. i got very excited, and almost made plane reservations! he said you wanted to cook me a traditional austrian meal (i was worried about it containing dead jews, but i would’ve been brave for you)!

i think you might be safe now that the password is new. MAYBE…! oh, and if you still want to come to america and be my wife, i can probably still put the order through on Expedia. (SOLID.)

[Jamie deluxe]aka[Schneeflittchen]: i..m so so rry

it..wasn..t me but is so nice from you totell me whatt happened

i..ll go to america soon but with my friends i..m going to be a nurs and a friend of mine nad me we fly to california … holiday

oh my god i..m so sorry did he say something else? (Not solid.)

THINKER: no, no.. he didn’t say anything else. though i am now, completely heartbroken. my heart, is broken. i am so sad, once again without a wife, who (in this case) would’ve been a hot austrian nurse.

nietzsche was right; god really is dead. 😦

when you get to california, be sure to eat at jack in the box. its my favorite fast food restaurant. think of me when you eat that double bacon and cheese ciabatta burger.i’m going to cry now. goodbye my love.

…and like that, she was gone forever. Well, I mean she’s not really gone gone, I’m sure she’s still in Austria, planning to come to California with friends, eating Jack in the Box…FUCK! Now with my luck, Rod is going to fuck my hot Austrian exfiance. FUCK YOU ROD!